The importance of emotion control

This article will not be one of those men should hide their feelings piece you might run into every once in a while. I think that is just ridiculous and not very healthy. We are all feeling human beings and we need to express our feelings as well. But there is a huge difference between being able to control your emotions and not showing them at all. And the control is very important. Not easy. But very important. We will break down the what first than we will talk about the why. Later on we will try to understand how. If I was an expert I would probably be selling courses on this so don’t expect some life changing guru stuff there. It will be more what works for me what is my mindset and what keeps me in control. 

What?

Before we jump into this topic it is important to understand what do I mean by emotional control. Emotional suppression is something entirely different. In that case you try to disregard your emotions entirely pretending they are not there at all. You can try to ignore them and hope they will disappear but the reality is they just come back later disguised as something else entirely. 

Having kids is a fun time to watch them operate and understand ourselves as well a bit better. My son is a very emotional kid and he does tend to bottle things up. If something happens he does not let it out right away. He explodes at home for no tangible reason having a short breakdown. Well at least he is releasing it and we are obviously working on this but it did show me a pattern that I also tend to have just under a magnifying glass. 

But emotional control is something else entirely. It is not pretence of the absence of emotion. It is the ability to feel emotions without letting them take control of your actions. It is not about ignoring how we feel and pretend the absence of that emotion. It is the ability to acknowledge your feelings and not let them overwhelm you to a sense that it takes control of your actions.

• You can be angry without shouting. 
• You can be disappointed without becoming bitter.
• You can be anxious without panicking.
• You can be hurt without lashing out at the people around you. 

The emotion still exists. You still feel it. The difference is that you choose how to respond to it. And nobody is saying it is easy to do. It is a journey, a learning curve like everything else in life. And if you ask have I ever lashed out on my kids… Well of course I have. Patience can be thin after a long day with heavy thoughts arriving to one of those days the kids are really are just trying to push for the limits. The goal is not to never lose control. The goal is to lose control less often, recognize it quicker and recover from it better.

We have to understand that emotions themselves are not good or bad. They are information. They tell us something about our situation, our values and what is happening around us. Ignoring them is rarely the answer. However being consumed by them is a mistake as well. 

A father who loses his temper every time he gets frustrated is not emotionally strong. Neither is the father who never admits he is struggling. Both are being controlled by their emotions in different ways.

Real emotional control sits somewhere in the middle. It means acknowledging what you feel, understanding it and then deciding what to do with it.

Why?

Before we try to understand the actual reason we need to practice emotional control let me tell you a story that will give you some perspective. Just happened the other day. 

I was having a fairly hard day at work. Constant meetings, problems to solve and a whole lot of tasks to juggle through the day. Once I get home kids are ecstatic to see me. And so was I.  Everybody is just jumping around having a good time. BUT my wife was in a pretty shit mood. Tired, moody and she just started complaining about something that needs to be done around the house and why it has not been fixed etc. I am sure most of you have been there. But what is important to understand is the sudden shift in how you yourself feel. From excitement and relief I want to a mixture of anger, resentment and just pure internal rage in milliseconds.

So why is emotional control important in the first place?

Because whether we like it or not, our emotions affect the people around us. Especially our families.

I do not think many fathers fully realize how much emotional influence they have inside their homes. If dad is constantly angry, frustrated, stressed or negative, everyone feels it. The atmosphere changes. Conversations change. The mood of the household changes.

And before anyone misunderstands this, I am not saying fathers need to walk around pretending to be happy all the time. That is not realistic and it is not healthy either.

Life overall is not easy, we all get stressed, have bad days, get angry etc. Our aim should not be to emotionless but to understand how your emotions effect others around you. Children are watching everything and learning from how you react to things. They learn far more from what you do than from what you say.

And honestly, this realization can be uncomfortable.

Because most of us would like to believe we are teaching our children through advice, rules and conversations. In reality they are often learning from our behaviour. And they are also very intuitive. They sense it if we are unease, but if we can try and keep our composure it will help them understand ven if things turn badly you can always stand up and keep going. 

But because fathers are leaders whether they want that responsibility or not.

The emotional climate of a family often starts with the emotional climate of the parents.

And if you can remain calm during difficult situations, admit mistakes when you lose control and recover when things go wrong, you are teaching something much more valuable than any lecture ever could.

You are showing your children how to handle life.